This was originally posted back in March of 2010. Any time references are to that date, so keep that in mind.
OK, that was embarrassing!
Jack and I decided to…um…take a nap, yeah. A nap! That’s the ticket!
We have running around the house, in addition to ourselves, of course, the following:
Maria: Our 65-ish Hispanic housekeeper and chef. No way could I live without Maria! She’s been with me for more than ten years and knows me better than anyone else around. And she’s a great cook! She has her own small house here on my property, but she hangs out here most of the time in case I need anything.
Amanda: Jack’s almost ten-year-old daughter who I have adopted. Jack claims that Amanda is rapidly turning into a small me. God help us all. She’s pretty, precocious, and is getting a little flirtatious. She is also far older than her tender years. A few weeks ago, she wanted to get her tongue pierced. Didn’t happen.
Debbie: Jack’s seven-year-old daughter who I have also adopted. Debbie is the levelheaded one in the house. She keeps the rest of us—or at least Amanda and me—out of trouble as much as a little girl can. She’ also very bright and wants to be a doctor.
JJ: Jack, Jr. is almost two. He’s not adopted, but he may wish that he was at some point in the future.
Tripper: Our three-legged Airedale terrier. Truth be told, he’s the smartest one in the place.
Assorted Cats: About six. I think. We do fostering work for a couple of agencies, so the number varies a bit. Four of them are mine.
Security Guards: There are at least three on the grounds at any time. They are often in the house checking things.
Now, if you do the math, that’s at least nine people, a dog, and half dozen cats. Yeah, it’s a big house, but that’s a lot of critters!
Jack and I “took a nap”, and I needed a towel. Guess what? The linen closet in our bedroom was empty. We just today got back from a trip, and Maria hadn’t put any in our room yet. No problem, I think. I’ll just run down the hall and grab a towel from the guest room closet. So I tell Jack that I’ll be right back and head off in search of clean linen.
Things went pretty well until I was about halfway back to our bedroom…I saw one of the guards coming around the corner at the far end of the hall. Luckily he was looking the other way. I just darted into the nearest door and closed it quickly. It was Amanda’s room.
As I’m standing there leaning on the door trying to decide if I should laugh or cry, someone tugs at my skirt…
It was then that I realized that I was still wearing my red plaid skirt, white men’s shirt tied around my chest, black patent leather five-inch stilettos, and white knee socks. Oh, and my hair was pulled back into a ponytail. And I seemed to have misplaced the panties that go with the outfit.
Amanda and Debbie stood staring at me. Amanda just grinned and looked me up and down a time or two. Then she gave me a little wink. Just where did she learn to understand any of this?
Debbie leaned her head to one side and asked, “Mom, why are you dressed like you’re going to a Catholic school?”
Amanda snickered and added, “Yeah, mom, why is that? And what’s with the shoes?”
All of a sudden, with no basis in fact, I got that same feeling a deer in the headlights gets…I was being set up and there was probably nothing I could do about it. So I locked the door and signed something like, “Oh, just shut up!” at them. I put my hands back on the door just in time to feel the vibrations from the knock.
No doubt the sudden slamming and locking of the door had attracted the attention of the patrolling guard. Through the door, it was hard to get the vibrations from his voice, but I think he said something like, “Are you girls OK in there?”
I was looking right at Amanda, and I actually saw it happen…two small horns grew right out of her forehead and an evil smile crept slowly to her lips.
Ever seen a deer in the headlights? They can’t move. They know that something really bad is about to happen, but they are completely paralyzed.
Amanda slowly opened her mouth and spoke. “Yeah, we’re fine, but mom’s in here and she needs some help.”
All I could do was to stand there staring at the little angel. The Angel of Darkness! I couldn’t react when I felt the master key sliding home in the door lock. The simultaneous flick of the deadbolt from its socket and the rapid twisting of the doorknob went unchecked by me. And I offered no resistance as the 6′ 3″ 195 pound guard shoved the door open and came into the room like the Marines taking Iwo Jima.
I tried to stay behind the door, but I saw that he had one hand on his gun and his radio in the other hand. He was talking, but I was way too flustered to read his lips. I don’t know if he was talking to the girls, me, or someone on the radio.
It really didn’t matter all that much, at least not at the moment.
He must have asked Amanda where I was because she pointed at me. He snatched the door away from me, and then stood there staring for a moment. Then the fun really began.
He had been talking on the radio. I know this because in rapid succession came the other two guards—they had their guns drawn—followed soon by Jack wrapped in his robe. He had a gun, too. Tripper was in hot pursuit, and the cats all were tagging along with him to see if they might get to share in some treat he was due. And then there came Maria with JJ in her arms.
By now the girls were literally rolling on the floor in fits of laughter. Amanda’s horns kept snagging the carpet. Jack stood there for a minute, looking first at me and then at the girls. He finally turned to me and asked, “Are you OK, Baby?”
I must have been quite the sight…standing there in my Catholic Schoolgirl outfit, trying to cover myself with my hands, and looking daggers at Amanda. I signed to him that I was fine.
A little grin tried to sneak onto Jack’s face, but he must have thought better of it. He told the guards to stand down, and they all left. He looked at the girls and said, “You two stay in your room. We need to talk.” He then took my hand and led me back to our room.
We never did get our second nap.